Damn this is hard. (and there is no knitting in this post, so I’ll understand if you skip it, it’s more for me and those real life friends, though blogfriends are welcome here too.)
Also, I apparently can’t stop saying damn. I woke up around 9 today, then dozed around til 10 and got up to answer a knock at my door bringing me some of my more interview outfit friendly shoes from PA. I messed around on the internet, read blogs, emails, got my work schedule. It barely took up an hour and then I was at a total loss as to what to do with myself. I could have knit, or watched a movie, or gone grocery shopping, or taken a shower, or done some work for my TA appointment, or worked on one of my independent study syllabi. I sat. Then I sat some more. Then I went back to a book my counselor had recommended. It’s really good for normalizing loss. And the hoke (it’s totally a word, it’s the noun form of hokey, obviously) is down to a minimum, which is nice. Then I sat and cried. Then I called a friend I hadn’t talked to yet and she was wonderful. Then I took a shower. Something I hadn’t done? Eaten. Let me tell you, nothing works for weight loss like grief. At this rate I’ll be walking around in my skinny pants in two more days and swimming in them by the end of next week. The afternoon was also peppered with moments of clarity where I felt like this might actually be a good thing. Relatively speaking.
I finally ate something and left the apartment at three.
At least I know it’s all perfectly normal. Small consolation.
It’s funny how the stupid little stuff can get to you too. And how more and more of it keeps cropping up. I need to figure out what I’m going to do about my recycling. There’s no pickup on my street and I used to always take it over to his place. The recycling center is across town. But I guess that’s the new plan. I was at the grocery store and picked up his favorite soda to have for him when he gets back from Houston. Then I felt stupid and put it back. How long does that stuff last?
No pictures of cooking. The trip to the grocery store took every last ounce of energy I had. In all fairness I may have had more energy had I been able to eat more than a couple spoonfuls of spinach and beans, but probably not much. On a positive note I only almost totally lost it in the grocery store, like, three times. (“It” alternately being “control of my emotions” and “those couple of bites of spinach and beans.”) Oh, and I have absolutely no shame over having a chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake as my dinner. Heck, peanut butter and banana are even genuinely nutritious. And B has new toys. One of my friends told me to spend the next week spoiling little B. I’m taking his advice. So far B hasn’t shown much interest in the giant rat, but she’s been casually batting at the trapped ball for a while now.